The Midnight News 05.31.04

Posted by Hyatte on 05.31.2004

Sting, The Gimp, Alexa, Movies, Widro, HHH, Advice, and Typos!

Just a little info to add to your last column. A guy asked what was the best city in America to disappear to, I was glad to see you put Alaska on that list. My dad lives in Anchorage, and he, along with every other man, woman, and child who have lived in Alaska for minimum of one year get a paycheck from the government for over a thousand

bucks every single year. They call it "Dividends Day", it's sometime in October.

It's from all the money they make on oil in Alaska, they figured the people deserved some of the pot. Just thought I'd pass that along, thought it was pretty cool. Maybe I'll end up there someday, getting paid money for SHIAT!

Jackpot, baby.

Forgot the name.

Damn! A thousand pigs a year for nothing… god bless that frozen, damn near empty state!

If Alaska pumping out all that oil, then why am I paying $2.30 for a gallon of unleaded?

Dude I'm sick and tired of you constantly bad mouthing the Undertaker... If you actualy ever bothered to watch any of the Smackdown houseshows you would see that the guy gets more crowd reaction than Eddy Guarrero and Cris Benoit put together... In fact at the moment his probably the hottest thing going for Smackdown. Mark Coleman is a legend... And I'm sick and tired of wwe jobbing legends to peaces of trash along the lines of Randy "The Gayman Filler" Orton. So I for one am glad that Undertaker ( And I'm refering to the real Undertaker not the "American Badass" trash) doesn't job to anyone who is not atleast on the same height as he on the ladder, and he shouldn't have to simply because of his status. he is the deadman. He is the unstoppable force that destroyed the Gayster back at Survivor Series 91, and he sure like hell shouldn't have to job to some WCW trash like Booker T. I think you need to give the deadman abit more credit as he has acomplishe soo much in his career that most of the current WWE superstar will never EVVVVVVEEEEERRRRRRRR achieve.

Anton Semenov

Mark Coleman?

Yeah, REALLY spend HUGE column space POUNDING on the Undertaker… fuckhead.

In case you're thinking the whole Jannetty thing is a joke, it isn't. He really has formed the New Millenium Rockers with Rod "The Bod" as Rod is the owner of the local company here in Tallahassee as well as the Manager of a Gold's Gym. He shortened his hair big time as well and doesn't have the mullet. For what it's worth, Marty has been a big asset to CCW and has helped some of the younger workers as well as put on entertaining matches for the decent(see: Non-ROH) crowds.(Cheap Shill) For Any North Florida/South Georgia Wrestling fans, if Tallahassee is worth your drive, come to CCW and see what I mean.

Shaun Callen

I’m in Rhode Island… it AIN’T worth my drive, sorry

Maybe I can talk FLEA into checking it out… he likes this sort of stuff.

Now the following is a fun little minor fight over a letter in last week’s Guide to Life section, the one from a FEMALE reader looking for advice… enjoy:

Um... Mel's a guys name. I think that is why the guy wont ask for sex... cause he isnt a homo.

Kraig Horigan

To which I replied: Umm... I changed the name, stupid

Kraig Horigan’s response: then maybe you should have made it a girls name then

god, why call me stupid? I just thought it was funny when you read it and realize that its a guy talking about some other guy wanting to buy him a jacket

for fuck sakes, relax

To which I replied: Mel = Melanie... or maybe Millicent…or maybe Mallory

I called you stupid because you are stupid

For fuck sakes, YOU relax... and find a better thing to bitch about, nitwit

Kraig Horigan’s response: wow

someone has a fucking problem, quit trying to be Maddox and be more original

bashing your readers is for highshool kids

To which I replied: Bitching at web writers is for GRADE SCHOOL kids, imbecile! And how can I be ripping off some guy I’ve never heard of.. who is “Maddox”?

That shut him up. Hyatte wins… again

Hello Spankasses, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News Alpha. There wasn’t a column last Thursday because I just didn’t have time! It’s gonna happen… I’m a busy, busy beaver! Widro had advanced warning and that’s all he really asks from me… so it’s cool. I DEFINITELY have a column for this week all set… so show up for it!

That’s it. Let’s get to the business!

STINGING UP THE PLACE

Word has it that Mr. Christian… Mr. GOD LOVES ME and NOT YOU… Mr. STING, who once compared signing with Vince McMahon akin to signing a “deal with the Devil!” is quite prepared to sell his born again SOUL for a nice little WWE contract COMPLETE with limited house show dates.

This, of course, WILL happen because Vince needs a big, huge shock angle for the year… last year, of course, being Goldberg

Now ALL logic would say that Sting would work the Smackdown brand… which desperately needs star power and doesn’t have the ego-fueled locker-room hijinks that RAW has…

And yet… boy, Sting on RAW would just be the SHITS…

Anyway, I called Sting and asked WHY he would sign a pact with VINCE McSATAN himself after YEARS of howling on about how EVIL the man is and how ANY God fearing soul would DARE muck about with such sin! This is his EXCLUSIVE response:

Yeah, God is great and all that, but last time I checked, their weren’t no mortgage payments in my Bible, muthafukka! My ex-wife cleaned my holy ass OUT. I’ll polish up Satan’s muthafukkin balloon knot if the cash is green, yo! Sheeit, Jesus may pull fish out of a basket to feed a bunch’a Jews but Vince reached in and pulled a wad of MUTHAFUKKIN’ CASH!! AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! The Stinger’s getting paid means it’s SHOWTIME IN HELL, FOLKS!!!!! Plus I haven’t had some fine pussy in a while!

Moral of the story… God is good for the soul… but only Vince can supply the high quality RATS!!

This should be interesting.

HERE TODAY… GOWEN TOMORROW

So, guess what snotty, one-legged wrestler decided to join the masses and start his OWN Live Journal??

Ohh…. How many one legged wrestlers do YOU know, anyway???

You remember Zack Gowen, don’t you? Recently shitcanned WWE novelty act who was fire for being a loudmouthed cocky douchebag? Many people DOUBTED those rumors.. he seemed like such a SWEET young boy…HOW could he have such a bad attitude? He even had HULK HOGAN on his side! The Hulkster only supports FINE, UPSTANDING kids! Only the BEST AND THE BRIGHTEST can be “Hulk-A-Maniacs”

Well now that we have a Gowen Live Journal… we can see just HOW close to the truth those nasty rumors are! After all, a diary is where people share theirt TRUE feelings…their TRUE thoughts, dreams, and prayers… unless, of course, you are a fat, homely, Canadian wrestling recapper… then you use it as a forum to discuss TV shows

Anyway… Zack Gowen… sweet kid or overbearing punk? Here are some quotes from his journal… let’s see for OURSELVES:

The crowd popped pretty hard when i came out but Alex (who was my manager) and I did our damndest to turn them against me and it worked. I had a fucking blast 'cos i genuinely hate wrestling fans.

***

I'm rich, beey-otch! ::honk honk::

***

in high school. this girl i loved for the longest time told broke my heart. I finally told her how i felt and she comes back with, "yeah, you'd be cute if you had 2 legs." Since then, i've been a woman hater.

***

Weight?: 212 w/ 4% body fat nigga

***

Hit up Augies afterward, and man, i felt like King Dick. This one blond chick starts whispering sweet nothings into my ear and buying me drinks. This older lady just grabs me out of my seat to go dance with her. The drunk bitch fell down while she was dancing. BWAHAHAHA!

***

Alright, that's it. Fuck all of you IWA: MidSouth fans. That's a shoot, i hate you marks. Ok cool, i'm a heel but you wanna bring in signs that say "Break His Leg (the good one)" or "Kill the Cripple"? Dude, i will destroy you. Just try me, bring those signs next show and see what happens. No bullshit.

***

Oh, Rob Feinstein. Yeah sure he's a weirdo. He's definetely not the first nor the last weirdo in wrestling. He was a nice enough guy to me, i guess. I just hope he gets the help he needs, bottom line.

***

Man, i started a cool update a few days ago, but my computer crashed and it got erased. .....fuck, i can't remember what i wrote but i swear it was good. Like, i was getting kind of deep and philisophical and shit and now i can't remember. Fan-fucking-tabulous.

***

We're all gonna die someday so we might as well celebrate the gift of life while we have it. I don't have time for heat, jealousy, or hate (except for you asshole IWA: Mid-South fans, i can't stand you fucking nerds and hillbillys. On a tangent, i've never seen a more obese wrestling crowd in my life. It's called diet and excercise you fat fucks.)

***

Ian Rotten pays me an assload of money to go out there and put on half-assed "sport entertainment" matches for you faggots.

***

To me, working means milking the fed while i could, so now i can just sit at home all day, drive fast cars, bang hot chicks, and wrestle every once in a while when i feel like it. Can you say the same Ian? Hell no you can't, so who's right here?

***

Anyway, it's my birthday bitches. 'Bout time i turned 21. And it got me thinking, i've been through and seen a lot in the past 21 years. I've lead a pretty interesting life, maybe i'll write a book someday. I mean i came from an abusive household, beat cancer, main evented a WWE PPV, and molested Sable's wonderful breasts. All before i turned 21. I'm proud of myself and i can't wait to see where the next 21 years of my life takes me.

***

Saturday- Big birthday party at Suzy's Bar in Hamtramck. Man, good times were had by all. Except for the girls who complained that i wasn't paying enough attention to them. Fuck off you dirty skanks. See the hottest girl in the bar over there? Yeah, she's mine. Anyway, I looked smooth as hell. I rolled up in my '91 Buick Regal (sittin on 16's by they way), stepped into the bar with my freshly bought Salvation Army Christian Dior powder blue leasure suit (with the fat collered pink shirt by the way) and i owned the place.

***

Look at you, you little bald headed faggot. I'm Zach Gowen baby, I drive a 75,000 dollar car (ok, so i lied in my promo, big deal), I'm a fucking multi-millionare (again, another lie) and i fuck the hottest girls in the world (that part's true actually). And what do you do? Go home and fuck that fat cow of a bitch every night? You fucking hillbilly, you make me sick. Get the fuck outta here

***

i guess there are messageboard marks that read this too. Some of them actual enjoy it, surprisingly enough. Zach Gowen liked on the internet? Nope, can't happen. So, this is to you marks: You guys are all overweight, lazy, good for nothing assclowns. Knock that taco out of your mouth, stop jerking off to Low-Ki vs American Dragon (5 STARZ~! OMGLOL!!!) and get off your unmotivated asses and do something with your life. Jerks. If you want, use me as an example. I've defied the odds time and time again. They keep lining them up, i keep knocking 'em down. Cancer? Beat it. High school wrestling team? Varsity All State. Academic scholarship to Eastern Michigam University? Check. Extremely handsome? Check. The greatest girl in the world? Got her. The Big Show? Pinned him, 1-2-3.

Thanks for reading.

***

……………..

Verdict: He’s a spoiled 21 year old with a lot of money and high opinion of himself… of COURSE he’s going to be an asshole!

This cupcake might be the next Honkytonk Man when it comes to the Internet.

THE RETURN OF THAT LITTLE WHORE KNOWN AS ALEXA!!

I try to do this twice a year.. just to piss people off

A couple of years back, I heard about Alexa.com from Widro, who came up to me one day HOWLING about it. In a GOOD way Widro was SCREAMING about how good we did. He damn well DEMANDED that I post these numbers.

I, of course, asked him why HE didn’t post the numbers… it being his site and all

He said, and I quote: “I like being the one everyone likes… you don’t care you likes you or not”

Couldn’t disagree there.

Critics (read: Jealous Losers) screamed that YOU HAVE TO HAVE AN ALEXA TOOLBAR IN ORDER FOR YOUR VOTE TO COUNT!!! THIS IS ALL BULLSHIT!

No, no, no… what alexa does is rank sites in terms of popularity based on what people who have the alexa toolbar visit… does that sound fishy to you?

It does? Okay… do you think the Nielson family monitors each and every TV screen from a huge satellite floating in the sky? No, morons, they send out a couple of million books to average joes and ask them to fill them in and send it back to them at the end of the week (I should know, I received a couple).

Now, assuming the people sent them in and ASSUMING their handwriting is legible, Nielson works the averages and ESTIMATES what the numbers are… this is a system that NOBODY here in rassle-land bitches about (unless Nitro is winning the ratings)

It’ ain’t the law… but alexa is a GOOD estimator… sorry, scrubs… DEAL WITH IT. Amazon agrees. They’re tied pretty tight with Alexa… is AMAZON on the up and up?

It’s basically the same system Amazon uses to rank their books… you know, the ones MELTZER always ranks for you? You wouldn’t say your God DAVE MELTZER would be a party to anything not TOTALLY above board, would you? OF COURSE NOT!!

So, how is everyone doing lately? Wrestling has taken a tumble recently in popularity… many web sites are hurting for business… Wade Keller himself has been reduced to dedicating MINUTES of airtime on his internet radio show crowing about the greatness of his Torch writers (and listening to the many ways Keller can pimp the hopelessly lame Pat McNeil is worth the price of a VIP subscription alone). Many sites have taken hit drop in readers, and thus, Amazon ranks… how bad? Let’s see…

WWE.com, the big dog.. the one the regular commoners read. They are ranked at #958. Now, they WERE damn near close to being in the top 500 just a year ago! Fucking TRIPLE H IS RUINING EVERYTHING!!!!

Oddly enough, WWF.com, which has nothing to do with Pandas and seems to be a shopping engine of sorts is ranked at #67,637… it’s become a wrestling site of sorts too… which tells me they just felt like fucking with Vince for no reason other than because they could.

Prowrestling.com… the site that any average shmuck would naturally go to… they are ranked at #8’785… damn shame no one on that site has any CLUE what to do with their natural popularity. Morons

1wrestling for the LONGEST time, and much to the delight of that cocky butthole, Dave Scherer WAS the top independent site going, but then Scherer, Woodward, and others bailed out… now it’s dropped ALL THE WAY from #6,732 to a PATHETIC #16,726… that’s a slip of almost 10 THOUSAND!!

No WONDER they dumped ALL the Pop-Ups!

PwInsider, the site that Scherer and company started… well, the good news is that they are WAY ahead of 1bob… the bad news? They are WAAAAY ahead of 1bob by exactly 445 spot… yeah, the SCARY, AWESOME DAVE SCHERER’S SITE is ranked at #16,281… and they’ve been aro8und long enough to have made a better impact… I guess Dave isn’t as friggin’ well known/feared as he THINKS.

By the way, want to talk about sad moves? The following review for Pwinsider is posted at Alexa.com

PWInsider is basically the definition of what a wrestling site should be. The greatness all started back in February 2004, when the "4 Horsemen" of Internet Wrestling (Dave Scherer, Buck Woodward, Mike Johnson, and Jess McGrath) left 1Wrestling.com (Which, by the way, is complete garbage at the moment) with most of their staff, to start their own site, and the success speaks for itself.

They're always the first to report the news when it first breaks out, and featuring *the* best wrestling journalists you can find, why would you settle for some second-rate "NEWZ" site that takes its news off PWInsider anyway? It's not worth supporting sites like that.

Bottom line: If you want your daily dose of satisfaction about every aspect of the wrestling business, both past and present, PWInsider is the ONLY site you'll need.

Now, who was the ONLY asshole who tried his hardest to call these four old farts the “Internet Four Horsemen?”… other than Bob Ryder who, I’m SURE has better things to do than to pimp the PWInsider…

Only Scherer could write such an ass kissing review of his own site. The walking hardon.

411mania. This site right here… home of me and everyone else have slipped a bit… we WERE ranked at #6,895… but we slipped to #11,878. I blame a number of factors… such as Scott Keith sucking pretty bad lately, Grut leaving, no more Gloomchen, the return of Gagnon REALLY hurt us… a lot of factors.. ol’ Hyatte can only do so much, dammit!!

Still… we didn’t drop as badly as 1bob… or EVERYONE ELSE!!! Heh!!

Rajahwwf WAS ranked at #10,807… NOW dropped ALL THE WAY to #56,953… OUCH!!!! I remember a time when Rajah ws THE PLACE TO BE for Smackdown spoilers… OUCH!!! Maybe they should call it quits, eh?

PwTorch WAS ranked #14,037… NOW tumbled to #26,020. Not as bad as the 1bob fall… but come on Wade, you have a PREMIERE newsletter… you carry on about how EVERYONE LIVES AND DIES on what you report… you SCREAM about how Bruce Mitchell is THE voice of professional wrestling commentary… so why is little ol’ 411 with that asshole Hyatte and that chubby Canuck Scott Keith completely wiping your ass OFF THE MAP? Heh… HA… V.I.Ps… heh… yeah, keep charging money… way to go!

The GOOD news… you’re ranked slightly better than Meltzer

Liveaudiowrestling home of all things Meltzer WAS ranked #20,879…. And NOW is ranked #27,540… the Observer site itself is #27,548. Clearly, Scherer has SOME reason to crow! Imagine if Meltzer put a little actual EFFORT into his website… oh, it would be a MONSTER. Hey Dave, I’ve got a JUMBO SIZE news item for you… THE TORCH IS KICKING YOUR ASS… AND 411 MANIA IS DECIMATING YOUR ASS!!!

Wienerboard. CRZ’s board WAS ranked #28'576 but took a MAJOR tumble to #148,270 … eh, it’s only because he changed names. CRZ has his site so tightly wrapped up with google that someone could type “blowjobs from a farting cow” and get a link to his board. He’ll be back up there in a few months.

The Lords of Pain WAS ranked #29,601, but actually IMPROVED to # 25,894. And to this day, I have yet to speak with ANYONE who reads this site. Whatever deal Mr. Tito has signed with Satan, he’s getting his soul’s worth!

Online Onslaught WAS ranked #40,687 but fell HUGE to #159,546… HOLY SHIT!! Poor Scaia… poor, poor, POOR Scaia!! Ever since I hired a girl to seduce him and get him to jerk off over the phone to her… (and describe what he’d do to her, without once mentioning her clit) it’s just been one, long, horrible slide… wow… this must be DEVESTATING to his ego… poor Rick… poor, poor, POOR…heh… heh heh heh hahahahaa… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA YOU SKUNK!!

TOA it’s a message board, with the EXACT same names today who were posting there 5 years ago… with almost NO newcomers. They WERE ranked at #45,018 but OH did they tumble… all the way down to #97,459. You know what, they deserve it… they are so piss poor negative about EVERYTHING and so ISOLATED with what they are talking about… it’s practically a secret language by now… a BORING, INANE secret language. Bunch of cocksuckers.

A1wrestling.com WAS ranked at #58,123. They took a MAJOR tumble down to #147,314… once upon a time, the Ruggerios, who run that site, acted like they were the MOST INFLUENTIAL WRESTLING WEB MASTERS AROUND… I, of course, knew differently… I, of course, was right… lamos… you’re so proud of a fucking MENU site… gah…

DVD message board WAS ranked #59,915, NOW they fell to 89,775… which isn’t bad, considering how far others have gone… this is the message board to go to for tons and tons of Jap chat!

And the BIGGEST tumble of them all…

NwaTna.com WAS #61,923… THEY have fallen ALL THE WAY to 1,233,149!! This is the wrestling company that catered to THE INTERNET???? Oy vey!

If anyone at Fox Sports is reading this, his head just exploded.

Scotsmanality where the Scotsman is growing up from a young, troubled hellraiser to a devoted Father/practically husband. He WAS #138,109, NOW he’s #673,137. His “Scott Keith Hangman” game is THE BOMB, tho’. Lots of fun.

Now for a few I never checked out before until today…

Ring of Honor is ranked #75,044… which means they are now drawing in the highly coveted pedofile crowd by the THOUSANDS!! Good for them!!

Their website is more popular than TNA’s… no WONDER the Jarrett’s are busting their balls… jealous inbreds.

Scott Keith’s Live Journal is ranked # 1,096,317… which is better than seanshannon.org which is ranked #4,050,697. I don’t get it… Sean is a fat, miserable, woefully depressed transsexual and loves to talk about how miserable he is 24/7… Scooter likes to make observations about what’s on TV and why root beer is cool. I just don’t get it.

Wrestlecrap is ranked #120,159. And yet, people talk about this site as if it’s the greatest, most popular invention since the DVD Player… another site I never got into or really understood… and didn’t they shut down a few years ago?

Wrestleline: Did you hear? THEY’RE BACK!!! AND they are ranked #2,458,762. I have nothing to say other than a few snorts and maybe a bemused snicker… BUT, word of warning to Scooter Keith… abandon 411 for this site and Widro WILL give me total and complete permission to burn your fat ass… and believe me, I have SO much shit on you it’s not even funny.

Lethal Wrestling is ranked #614,723. I’m quite sure whoever runs this low-rent thing was POSITIVE that bringing on the DUDE who pretended to be Tammy Sytch would take this site to THE VERY TOP. Yeah, didn’t QUITE work out there, did it? Heh. HA!

Declaration of Independents which is apparently the HUB of the Indy scene online is ranked #1,011,043… which is reasonable, I guess… not like they draw a huge audience. Their message board is HILARIOUS, tho’

And there you have it… your site ranking report for this period… what did we learn?

-411 would be nothing without me… and 4 years ago, they WERE.

-If you are on one of these other sites, no matter how big you think you are, you ain’t

-EVERYONE took a hit over the past year

-EXCEPT for the Lords of Pain… which simply boggles the mind.

-You SUCK

-Meltzer ain’t shit

-Neither is Keller

-Scherer is a moronic blowhard

-Joey Styles and Bob Ryder must be frantic

-NO ONE visits the TNA site

-And if it weren’t for my “Across the Boards” section, there would be ZERO message board promotion!

These are the facts… forgive me for RUBBING YOUR FACE IN THEM!!!!! HAHAHAHAAAA

Douchebags… I said I’d bury ALL OF YOU and I very slowly am!

WORDS OF WI(S)DRO(M)

So, how DOES Widro manage to keep a mega-successful site like 411mania running so SMOOTHLY? Why, by keeping his writers on a short leash!!

Widro: I hate (NAME DELETED) lately due to him being worthless, but thats probably temporary

It better be… or else he’s GONE!!!!!

Who is Widro talking about? I won’t say… but he BETTER start wising UP… is it… EVOCATOR?? Is it… MORSE?? Is it… BISCUITI??? Is it… PANKONIN??? Is it…DANIELS??? WATTERS?? BEBITO??? GAMBLE??? FLEA???

HYATTE????

Well, come now… it can’t be HYATTE.

Someone better get their SHIT together or they’ll be OUT OF HERE!!!

Heh… now Widro’s gonna get HOUNDED on AIM…. Heh.

I KNOW WHAT YOU WATCHED LAST WEEKEND

Included are 411 reviews (where applicable)… because the 411 Movie Zone needs some luv!, even though they haven’t POSTED the box office report yet… because it’s Memorial Day and everyone has an extra DAY of movie watching before the final tallies are in!

Luckily for you (and me, cuz I like this section), Hollywood people LOVE to take guesses and jump the gun… so the following B/O tally is based wholey on well-researched PREDICTIONS done by high-minded accountants, NASA engineers, a studio executives eager to crow about their movie doing well…

Fuck the war in Iraq… THIS is what people REALLY care about!!

1) Shrek 2: $73.1 million ($238.8 million total) Someone Immed my cell phone bitching to me about how Mike Meyers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz each scored about 1 million for this movie, thus the studio didn’t get these actors for “next to nothing” as I reported last week. Well DUH, not for sequels!! I never meat for SEQUELS… sequels are where actors make their REAL money… that’s why they don’t care if sequels suck… they already got PAID HARD fort them.

Whatever happened to Eddie Murphy anyway? He used to be the funniest man alive… and his movies were filled with his angry energy… then he had a facelift and got cocky… he ain’t funny no mo’.

I hear that, without makeup, Cameron Diaz can give Shrek a run for his money. Heh!

2) The Day After Tomorrow: $70 million opening weekend.. Part of me wonders where the bad guy is! Every movie needs a bad guy!! The other part of me thanks CHRIST they didn’t shove a real bad guy in here. We didn’t need Billy Zane chasing Jake Gyllenhaal around New York as it gets flooded out for stealing Kate Winslet out from under his pampered, high-class nose!!

Want to re-enact this movie to a girl over the phone? Flush the toilet and scream “HELP ME, DENNIS QUAID, HELP ME”. She’ll crack up; you’ll get sex.

3) Troy: $11.5 million ($106.1 million total) Oh, Brad Pitt can get AIDS AND DIE now. I’m just glad 411’s own Jacob “I’ll review anything” Ziegler got off his ass and watched this film… and about 16 others this week.

Am I crazy or is Eric Bana one bland looking Aussie muthafuk?

4) Raising Helen: $11.2 million opening weekend. Kate Hudson is annoying, AND hitless, and fast becoming the biggest “gonna be an A-List star” disappointment since Matthew McConaughey. Plus she married a complete scumbag/washout rock and roller hippie freak!! I always liked her step-nonfather Kurt Russell, tho’… ol’ Kurt can always be counted on for a solid, genial performance in his movies.

5) Soul Plane: $5.7 million opening weekend Review by Jacob Ziegler… a white Jew reviewing a film called “Soul Plane”… think Jacob brought a gun to the theater for this one?

Why black people aren’t RIOTING in the street over crap stereotypical movies like this is beyond me. And you KNOW a white man wrote this script.

In other movie news… that busy little popcorn pounding movie bitch, Jacob Ziegler eve got around to watching and reviewing The Dreamers, and yet the kid TOTALLY blew off the details about why ANYONE would want to see this flick… the wall to wall, off the charts, so close to porn Jenna Jameson would say damn, hard-core graphic SEX in this film! BOO, Jacob… It’s OKAY to admit you jacked off in the middle of the film… just tell the rest of us about it.

Here’s the Quicktime (so you all can see it) International trailer That girl is FIIIINE.

Anyway… by this time next month, all these movies will be gone as Spider-Man 2 and Harry Potter battle it out for all five spots… that’s right… it’ll be the first time in movie history two flicks made so much dough there was no room for the other 3 in the top 5.

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing that I have decided on this, a brand new, ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Asslammer, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably a fan of Ring of Honor too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because…

You don’t see Kevin Nash walking around with a brand new three year contract for an UnGodly amount with limited house show work, do you? If YOU were best friends with Nash and YOU were married to the boss’s daughter and I real tight with the day to day doings of the business, wouldn’t YOU make sure your friends were taken care of?

Don’t you dare answer no…YOU LYING SACK OF SHIT!!!

FROM THE MOUTHS OF REALLY GOOD LOOKING GIANTS

I’m tired of thinking of a famous movie line and using it here, so this is the new title for the movie quote sections.

Well… on the screen these actors are 50 friggin feet tall!!

My homeboy Justin Parr can’t do all of the work here, I am running low on these, so keep them coming.

Ad is Gene “the Fuck” Hackman represented this week? You better RECOGNIZE!!!

01): What's that shit on your chest?

Crisco, Bardol, Vagesil. Any one of them will give you another two to three inch drop on your curve ball. Of course if the umps are watching me real close I'll rub a little jalapeno up my nose, get it runnin', and if I need to load the ball up just wipe my nose.

You put snot on the ball?

I haven't got an arm like you, kid. I have to put anything on it I can find. Someday you will too.- Major League

02): For god's sake, Mrs. Robinson. Here we are. You got me into your house. You give me a drink. You... put on music. Now you start opening up your personal life to me and tell me your husband won't be home for hours.

So?

Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me.

[Mrs. Robinson laughs]

Aren't you?

Benjamin, I am not trying to seduce you.

I know that, but please, Mrs. Robinson, this is difficult...

Would you like me to seduce you?

What?

Is that what you're trying to tell me?- The Graduate

03): You know why 250 is such an important number Otis? Because it’s your weight and my I.Q.- Superman

04): Once, we successfully mated a bulldog with a shih tzu.

Really?

Yeah, we called it a bullshit!- Dumb and Dumber

05): Sex, drugs, and rock and roll. That’s all life needs to be.

But could you live your life without music?

Oh sure. As long as there are sex and drugs, I don’t need music.- This is Spinal Tap

06): The cities are full of women, middle-aged widows, husbands, dead, husbands who've spent their lives making fortunes, working and working. And then they die and leave their money to their wives, their silly wives. And what do the wives do, these useless women? You see them in the hotels, the best hotels, every day by the thousands, drinking the money, eating the money, losing the money at bridge, playing all

day and all night, smelling of money, proud of their jewelry but of nothing else, horrible,

faded, fat, greedy women...

They're alive! They're human beings!

Are they? Are they, Charlie? Are they human or are they fat, wheezing animals, hmm? And what happens to animals when they get too fat and too old?- Shadow of a Doubt

07): Heineken?! Fuck that shit!! PABST BLUE RIBBON!- Blue Velvet

08): As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Well, really, that's all this is. Except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest -- how do you feel?.

(Wimpering, crying noises.)

Interesting.- The Princess Bride

09): If there is any justice in the universe she's shoveling shit in hell- Six Feet Under

10): Look, it's only a birthday present! It just means I'm glad you didn't die partway through the year- NewsRadio

11): There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense.

No, actually that would be one of the five.- Buffy the Vampire Slayer

12): Aloha. My name is Mr. Hand. I have but one question for you on our first morning 'together.' Can you attend my class? Pakalo?... Understand?... History has proven us one basic fact. Man does not do anything that is not for his own good. It is for your own good that you attend my class. And if you can't make it... I can make you. We have a twenty-question quiz every Friday. It will cover all the material we've dealt with during the week. There will be no make-up exams. It's important that you all have your Land of Truth and Liberty textbooks by Wednesday. At the latest. Your grade is the average of all your quizzes, plus the midterm and final, which counts for one-third. Got it? Also. There will be no eating in this class. You get used to doing your own business on your own time. That's one demand I make. I don't like staying after class with you on detention. That's my time. I don't like wasting it. (to a girl in class) Just like you wouldn't want me to come to your house some evening and discuss U.S. History on your time. Pakalo?

No sir

(someone enters the classroom)

Yes?

Yeah. I'm registered for this class.

What class?

This is U.S. History, right? I saw the globe in the window.

Really?

Can I come in?

Oh, please. I get so lonely when that third attendance bell rings and I don't see all my kids here.

(Mr. Hand takes the red ad card and reads from it)

Mr. Spicoli?

That's the name they gave me. (looking out at the class) I know that dude!

(Mr. Hand slowly tears the card into little pieces)

Hey, you’re ripping my card! Hey, bud. What's your problem?

No problem at all. I think you know where the front office is.

You... DICK!!- Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Fast Times… what makes this movie rule even harder, twenty something years after the fact, was that the guy who played Jeff Spicoli was none othe than Sean Penn!

Alas…Penn would never have such a plump, juicy role again. What happened to that hooked nose sumbitch anyway?

Anyways… for SOME of you, this is where we part ways, the column is over. You can get on with your week now.

This is Hyatte

And for the rest, this is where we take it home with one final, popular feature…

HYATTE’S GUIDE TO LIFE

Before we get cranking, a couple of updates…

1- The kid who’s Mom is dying of cancer and doesn’t want to suffer through chemo thanked me for calling him selfish. Well, to him, a reader named Ian has written and suggested that you and your mom look into “apricot kernels”, It seems that a heavy, heavy dose of Vitamen B14 goes far in staving off cancer.

2- “Mel” the GIRL with the guy who wants to buy her the $600 jacket wrote in. She took the jacket and, because of what I advised, is now wondering if the boy really is gay. Well, he certainly COULD be, or at least confused. She also says that she’d hook up with me anytime, except she’s Canadian, and hence, “not my type”. Aww honey... so long as you have two boobs, a nice face, a vagina, legs, arms, and an articulate, quick witted mind, you’re my type.

I’m still playing catch-up here, so we start off with a pretty long letter that receives a pathetically short answer… made worse with the fact that the writer has been waiting WEEKS for this…

Here is my story. I met this girl through a summer job and we flirting back and forth but nothing big really happened. At the end of the summer we meet up at a party got drunk and made out. The next day we talked about it and nothing was ackward, we even laughed about what happened (while we were kissing someone almost walked in on us and another time we saw some guy taking a piss) We talked through the school year (she goes to a university an hour away) almost on a regular basis.

This was the only girl I really opened up to in a real long time; we talked about family, and my past which I HARDLY ever talk about to anyone let alone my close friends cause they would clown me. In the many long conversations that we had I always made sure to slip in some sexual innuendo so she knew that I liked her and what I'd like to do her sometime. She would never get turned off, she would just giggle or say she ways starting to blush. We meet up a couple times, no real dates just like "I'm downtown if your in the area meet me here" type of stuff just because we hardly got to see each other on a regular basis since the summer.

Christmas comes and I buy her a gift, nothing big just a dvd she said she always wanted. We were supposed to meet up at a New years party but things got messed up on my part (friends, transportation). The next day she calls we get to talking and all I know is we are having phone sex. She's doing her thing on the phone with the heavy breathing me the same. Also during all our conversations I tell her about the girls I meet at the club and how I their all the same and the reason why continue talking to her is because she is so different than the other girls I've talked to. She laughs at my rude humor, she makes me laugh, she is of a different race, and her social scene is different then mine. I'm always up in the club, she would rather the pub scene. She would tell me about guys hitting on her but nothing was going on, so I kinda felt safe.

A month ago she comes by my house to chill before she goes to a friend’s b-day party. She meets my mom, we go in my room and fool around. No sex just heavy petting and sucking, no oral. Nobody on either side has said if this is a relationship, we always just say we are "talking". I don't object to this cause I've been in a slump for a while and don't want to mess things up me asking her to classify things.

Two weeks ago for some reason I kind of got fed up that I hardly ever get to see her know that she is back home. All this time I never straight up asked her on a date, we done stuff together, ate at a restaurant together but they are never asked by one person, we would just meet up their. Basically our only alone time was on drives back to her house or in my room. She always seemed to be hanging with her friends (guys and girls, I'll get to that later) who she hasn't seen the whole school year so I never really stepped up to ask. And yeah even though I opened up to her about everything and feel real comfortable around her I was still afraid to ask her to go to the movies or to a club/pub with me. So yeah I'm fed up with her a bit and don't answer my phone when she calls. She ends up calling everyday sometimes even twice a day. I call her back and tell her some story how I was out of town at a relatives and my cell wasn't getting any reception (LIES). She believes me and proceeds to tell me that all week she was having "Jay" withdrawal and actually missed me because she had just thought I disappeared cause I didn't tell her I'd be away. This brought a smile to my face and it confirmed to me that I do like her and she too has some type of feelings for me as well.

Last week I'm coming home from a nightclub when she calls me at 2:30 am, I thinking booty call. I pick her up take her to my house, we do our thing but no sex, she says her kitty wasn't prepared or ready. I didn't show her I was angry just dissatisfied and she tells

me that I'll get it soon. She also seemed to be real turned on by what we were doing. I take her home this is early Saturday morning, I don't talk to her again until Sunday morning. She tells me that Saturday night she is at a friends house some guy "CHRIS" she had known for a while and had something with in the past but in the last 7 months that I've been talking to her hasn't did anything with are chilling and drinking. Also she tells me that a month ago she is at this guys house "DAN" and he got really drunk and tried hitting on her but she turned him down cause she didn't like him like that. Anyways at the party some "old friend" that is how she described him from high school comes over she gets drunk and fools around with him. He goes home and it's her and "CHRIS" and they start to fool around. I ask her specifically did she have sex or give oral sex and she says no. I only believe that because she isn't that type of girl and I haven’t got any of that and if she was going to be doing any of that I would think I'd be first in line, but then again she could be lying (GOD I HOPE SHE DIDN'T) She also sleeps over cause she is too drunk to go home.

She then tells me that when she wakes up she feels bad like she has done something wrong and the reason for this is that she now knows she has feelings for me. She says doesn't care if I like her the same way or not but that since she has these feelings for me she shouldn't have done what she had done. I tell her I did have feelings for and that maybe I should recycle those feelings now. She says she never knew but even though I never said it I though it was known. Late night 2hour phone calls embarrassing stories about my past, I even gave her little cute nicknames that she has embraced. After I tell her about recycling the feelings she starts to cry and says she can't talk any more. I tell her I'll call her back but haven't since. WHAT DO I DO.

A)Tell her that since we both like each other we should try this relationship out. (Personally I've never seen myself as a relationship guy and have not really ever had a girlfriend, I'm very picky and stubborn. I've had girls here and there but no onewho I'd bring to meet my mom or friends. She has met them both. Also a little scared about getting into a relationship because I haven’t really spent so much phone time with a girl who I like since grade 8. In-between were little things here and their but no girl who really stands out.)

B)Change my feelings about her. What I mean is instead of those long 2hr conversations where we talk about everything and after I'm done talking I'm still thinking about her we cut it to 30-45 min chats where I just skim over what is going on in my life, not to much detail and lose all those baby nicknames I gave her and not bring them up anymore. At the same time show her I'm still attracted to her and still try to hook up with her whenever I can and still try to get her in my room whenever. Basically become "Friends with Benefits". Even though what happened with her at the party is the only instance

where this has happened since we started talking, I think in the back of my mind when she gets drunk with old guy friends they too get benefits.

I know that I do like this girl maybe because this is the first time I opened up my heart to a girl and she is that first one. Even though we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend and we are both technically single I think what she did was kinda foul. "Chris" also has a girlfriend that she knows and has hung out with them. She told me that is was "Chris's" fantasy to have a 3 way with her and his girl but she turned him down cause she is not that type of girl.

HELP A BROTHER OUT, PLAYBOY.

"JAY"

Go with option A.

I deleted almost everything else in your letter that was unnecessary, and boring, including a postscript dealing with another girl he’s been talking to who is hot and all, but boring him to tears. Forget about “JANE”… sometimes, the pussy just isn’t worth the boredom.

I want you to know something, trying to decipher this letter gave me a migraine. If the column is late this week, it’s because of you.

Option A. Nothing else to it. She’s dying for you to make it official.

I graduated college with a degree in psychology a couple years ago. At the time I thought I wanted to counsel troubled teens, you know I thought I could make a difference that kind of thing. I got a job doing just that and it really sucked. I just didn't have the patience or energy to work with these messed up kids. And it ended up making me depressed all the time so I quit. Since then I've just been working jobs whereever. I haven't needed my education for any job I've gotten, it's all stuff I could've done right after high school.

Right now for instance I'm substitute teaching during the day, and delivering pizza at night. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that I just think I'm capable of more, but I don't know what. I'm pretty smart and I did well in school, but for whatever reason, probably laziness, I haven't become the success my family, friends, and school teachers thought I would be.

People tell me I have good people skills, but I don't think they realize I'm just pretending to like people. I hate almost everyone I meet, but I'm good at being friendly, and talking with people, and putting them at ease being completely fake the whole time.

One thing I'm considering is going back to school and entering a Master's degree program in accounting. Maybe I can do that and work with numbers and figures as opposed to any social work job where I have to deal with people's personal problems and hopefull get paid a decent salary as well. But part me wants to say fuck it, and just keep working low wage jobs I have been and smoking pot and getting drunk with my friends.

My question is do you have any career advice for me? Should I go back to school? Settle on a career now? My family keeps telling me that I'll figure things out soon, but seriously I have no clue what I should be doing with my life. I'm only 24 though so I still have a lot of time. I'd just like to know what you think.

Thanks

Bob

Okay, listen…

PUT THE FUCKING POT DOWN, YOU LAZY LITTLE BABY, AND GROW UP

There isn’t TOO much money in accounting (HA, irony), but it is a life. It’s a good life. It’s a life with job security. Someone somewhere will ALWAYS need a book keeper. Plus, it’s a type of job where most of your money is made during the first three and a half months of the year, that’s when you really have to work your ass off. For the rest of the year the work is steady, but not backbreaking.

And it’s just you with a calculator and reams and reams of paperwork. No people.

Your problem is that you got into the “troubled youth” business CONVINCED that you could change these kids and personally screw their heads on right. Once you realized that it actually takes more than shaking them against a wall and shouting: “SMARTEN UP!”, and once you realized that most teenagers are moronic douchebags not even worth the effort, you became disillusioned. You were so sure that you could “make a difference” that when you realized you were no better than any other shmuck, it knocked you off your game. Get over it. Adapt.

You’re 24. Quit fucking around and get your ass back to school, before it’s REALLY too late.

Hyatte, I am a lazy-ass bastard. Although intelligent and possessing good social skills, I am mired in a dead-end, low-paying job. I am overweight and I know what I have to do to rectify the situation but... I can't bring myself to do it.

I am not just lazy but unmotivated as well. When someone suggests I should find a better job, or lose weight, or shave, or take a shower, I keep asking them "Why should I?" until they walk away, shaking their head in disbelief.

I drifted through my teenage years and much of my 20s thinking in this fashion. Much as a person who is born blind isn't aware of what he or she is missing, I didn't understand the concepts of motivation and self-actualization. My life was like watching a black and white TV: perfectably acceptable, unless you had already watched TV in color, then you notice just how lame your black and white TV really is.

The color was added to my TV just over a year ago, figuratively speaking. In short, I fell in love. I had always thought that love was a cultural invention that people used as an excuse to bone each other and to fill the empty space of their lives. But I was wrong, and it was ( almost) everything that the poets and Michael Bolton said it was.

As for me, I was like Hogan hulking up after a massive heel beatdown. I lost thirty pounds in two months, learned to speak French, and started sending out resumes. I showered and groomed myself constantly. I jogged in the morning so as to improve my stamina in bed. Life had meaning to me then, and I was going to seize it by its' throat and live it to the fullest.

You can guess the rest, I think. She dumped me after seven months and change. I deflated like an inflatable doll with a hole in it. I said goodbye to the job interviews, french books and shower gel. I said hello to hamburgers, hot dogs, and french fries. I am like the way I was before but worse. Back then, I didn't know how good it felt, not only to love but to live.Now I do.

My attempts to be with other women have been failures. I feel like an actor in a play, like a complete imposter.

Hyatte, I still love this girl but I am not pining for her as much as I am pining for the only time in my life when I was motivated to live. What would you do if you were me?

Shiftless Bastard

Everyone is entitles to sit around and mope after they get dumped. It’s natural AND healthy.

And it also has to end. Hurry up, Asshole. You’ve had enough time to feel sorry for yourself. You’ve had enough time to stare out a window and wonder, “Why me, why me, WHY ME???”

Look, girls are stupid… they don’t know greatness when they find it. Like me, I had this girl in Florida who was THISCLOSE to being with greatness… but she shit in her oatmeal, and got carried away with how nice I treated her… and now, instead of being with ME, who has an honest to goodness shot at giving her a hell of a fun life, she’s going to end up being a mousy librarian and marrying some Dentist and living a quiet, boring, middle class life with 2.5 kids and exactly three sexual positions exactly three times a week. All because she crapped on her shot at greatness. It took me a while, but I’m over it. Same with you. Quit being such a pussy-whipped asshole, stick some salad in your mouth sometimes, and get back on the horse.

There’s the speech… now go be inspired.

Hyatte,

Advice, advice advice. I need you give, plain and simple. I'm a 19 year old college student. I just recently got out of an 8 month "realtionship." Its too complicated to explain, so I wont.

I've been having mixed feelings about looking for another girl to call my own. I know being 19, I should get drunk and fuck every single chick I meet. But I have a few problems.

Most girls don't find me attractive, and if they do, they are either wicked fat or wicked crazy. So that doesn't help me there. My other problem is I don't know where to go to meet girls. I'm too young to go to a bar, I dont know anyone that throws parties, and

all my friends are no help. I really want to meet a girl that lives near me that I can make my girlfriend. Or just to meet new people and whatever. I'm stuck, so dude...help me out.

The PV

19… horny, need to find girls who are just as horny as him.

Isn’t that what colleges are for?

And we’ll end it there.

This Thursday, Vince McMahon, Reading material, this, that, these, those, and if time allows, Message Boredom. If time DOESN’T allow, Message Boredom right here next week. Either way, you’re due for some boredom.

Peace… Middle East

This is Maddox